It has never been clearer to me than this moment that I’m an introvert. I used to believe that since I’m quite loquacious, I can’t be an introvert. But I am. My current definition of an introvert is a person who is unable or is experiencing difficulty in expressing himself or herself in one way not necessarily in talking and other social stuff. You might be a loquacious person like me but you might still happen to be an introvert.
Let me start my explanation from when I was seven to nine. I was in Primary school then and at times teachers ask us as we move from class to class to talk about our religion. I usually sort of feel this ashamed when I am to talk. Then, I really didn’t have much against organized religions like I do now but something was up. I was shy of my religion. I did not like people seeing me when it comes to things like religions. I was a Muslim, but I don’t feel like one. As a young boy, I didn’t want my friends to know my religion.
It never really hit me as a tangible thing until now that I am much grown up when I see little children speaking so freely about their religion and I knew it was something I never had. In 2015, I pulled down Islam as my religion on my Facebook profile, I still wonder whether my friends saw that but even if they noticed, I wasn’t asked.
I thought Islam was what I was ashamed of, until I was in a camp where we were all forced to go to church. Church was boring to me. I knew everything they were going to say. I knew about hell and stuffs like that but I found them either incredible or boring. How could I be told that a star would fall into a river and would make its water bitter. Stars are way, way bigger than the Earth and would wipe out the planet instead of making the river’s water bitter.
I have a particular friend whose name I would change to Mary because I feel like. Mary is always concerned about the way I don’t care about these things meant to be sacred. There was a day she even wrote to me in shouting capitals, DON’T TEST GOD! I wasn’t testing Him; I believe he exists but I can’t seem to worship Him in Islam or Christianity.
I noticed a pattern. To Islam, I felt a little shame because I feel its practice is, to me, a little barbaric. Going to the mosque five times a day isn’t comforting either. To Christianity, however, I felt sceptical about its beliefs. Christianity had weird beliefs I don’t like to believe even though at times it makes sense and other times it doesn’t. There’s this notion of Trinity. God is three in one – The Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The trinity of God is a concept I can accept if I can accept the duality of light – the particle and wave theories. I was told that the Father is equal to the Son and also equal to the Holy spirit. But then there’s a verse in Matthew speaking of the end of the world. In this verse, it was said that “angels did not know the time or hour, neither does the son nor holy spirit, only the Father knows.”
It was funny to think God knows something and simultaneously, does not know it. I need to remind you that the Trinity happens to be a concept developed in Nicaea about 300 years after the death of Jesus. And the person who signed it was, well, Emperor Constantine, who was believed to be forced to convert to Christianity on his death bed. The verisimilitude of such a concept is in a big trouble. I wouldn’t want to believe that a person such as Constantine would be the person I would trust.
I wouldn’t want you to start frowning because I would start saying the Bible isn’t 100% accurate. There are so many repetitions that there were contradictions. Mathematical errors such as taking the value of pi to be 3 is found in the Bible. Contradictions such as the Bible saying that God cannot be tempted nor does he tempts in a verse in James, yet God tempted Abraham just fine in Genesis and if I should believe that Jesus is God, then God was tempted three times by the devil. Of course, I have troubles believing Jesus is God. Who did Jesus pray to? The three days Jesus (God?) was dead, who ruled the universe?
Also, the Genesis account of creation has it that the earth was created before stars. This isn’t true because stars would have to form from simple element of Hydrogen. It would take quite a long time before the elements that make up earth would be created. It would be impossible to have earth created after stars. Yet, the Genesis accounts of creation states exactly that.
Many Christians believe Jesus died for their sins but we should be reminded that this was a concept invented by Paul (who used to be a Jew who had Christians killed) after Jesus had died. Jesus himself made no such claim of his death being the way to purify our sins.
If you think I am lying, bring out your bible and your smartphone. Type into Google” errors in the bible” and you would find lots of them. You can have your scriptures verified in your Bible. I am making no false claims here and I have spent hours arguing with my friends and myself. It can’t be so. I once read on New Scientist that it is easier for us to believe than to doubt. Doubt takes up more parts of our brain. It wasn’t easy to start seeing the things I have been learning as a kid in a new light. I felt like everything I had learnt from the bible was a lie. I can’t filter through the Bible and choose to believe what I want. After encountering three to five things that weren’t correct, I cannot really trust the book any longer. It pains me to feel this way but many people regard bible as the word of God but unless the word of God is inaccurate, the bible isn’t the word of God.
Back to Islam, I found out that the Koran supports the terrorism we see on our everyday life. Check out Koran 2:191 which says, “slay the unbelievers wherever you find them”; Koran 3:28 – “Muslims must not take Infidels as friends”; Koran 5:33 – “Maim and crucify the infidels if they criticize Islam”; Koran 8:65 – “Whenever the opportunity arises, kill the infidels wherever you find them”; Koran 9:30 – “The Jews and Christians are perverts, fight them”; Koran 22:19 – “Punish the unbelievers with garments of fire, hooked iron rods, boiling water, melt their skin and bellies”
I believe we can guess where the true origin of terrorism is. It’s in the Koran. I have problems with both the Koran and Bible. Whereas the bible fills me with scepticism, the Koran fills me with horror. One of my friends has tried to scare me with stories of hell when I argued these points to her telling me the devil causes me to see things like these. But honestly? There is no other way of seeing this. I see it more clearly than ever.
As a young scientist, I have found God in practising science. I believe understanding what is in the universe is the ultimate truth. And that’s what I am doing.
I find it hard to understand society at times. Worse, I don’t know how to express myself. It’s clearer to me now that I work with people at least five to ten years older than I am. I find it hard to understand what they talk about. Well, not in that sense. I understood clearly what they said but those things don’t interest me. I find it boring to be included in a chat with one of them. There’s absolutely what we could chat about. I kept my thoughts to myself. At times, I talk. But I don’t get listened to. I got fed up of them. The truth about it was I wasn’t comfortable around them. I couldn’t really express myself.
I noticed that the new way of my life has started affecting me. I couldn’t really hold much talks with my friends any longer, the people I do feel comfortable around.
Maybe life turns an extrovert into an introvert after all…